Waking AL Devine

So I had this dream, and everyone that despises my presence (more specifically family and close friends of a certain ex-companion) was at a particular bar. I used to frequent this bar regularly but in the dream, much as in real life, the bar looked nothing like it did when I was familiar with it. I sank into my seat and tried to hide. That's when they started a conversation about how..."Ya know what, I actually miss you guy," and things of that nature. I felt really good.

They were "having a good time at my expense." They laughed at me and kicked me out of the bar, prompting me to argue with the lead female character. She got a big kick out of the whole ordeal and was generally emotionless. I made it to the parking lot before I woke up.

All I know is it feels like I might make a little progress but my dreams redirect me towards the same ol' same. I no longer can tell a weak moment from true despair, or a good moment from temporary excitement/insanity. Although sitting right here I did have a Tiffany (I don't know why, but months ago I decided to always refer to an epiphany as "a Tiffany"). Most likely a long, long, time overdue...at least it came. My Tiffany was simply said in my head as "Wow. I'm going to be doing this for a long, long time. I'm going to be alone for a long, long time," yet I completely understood, processed, analyzed, debated, and ultimately accepted it. I think I even experienced it a large portion of it.

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So for now I can't concentrate on anything. Also I have no ambition. No one is paying me any attention either, which I think is where I really start to push my limits.

I feel like any solace gained in staying true to myself and my "plans" is dwarfed by the pain and suffering of feeling so small and irrelevant. I think this is necessary though. I would change it in a split second, but I think that would be cowardly. How am I supposed to come out 5 times better than ever if I can't break out from rock bottom. I've only landed softly a few times, and been helped by the same person/cause that put me there, only to find myself at rock bottom again.

It's like the NES video game Platoon (based off the movie). The game has 4 stages. You are a soldier and you run and dodge bullets and hazardous objects by jumping and ducking. The game sucks, and after you beat the 4th stage (which takes no time at all) it just starts over at the first one again. The whole game sucks. The concept sucks. But because it doesn't end you keep on playing. You play and play expected something different everytime. Then finally you get the nerves and you kill the power switch.

So, yeah, another great video game to life analogy. Sorry.