Delicatessen

You must see this movie. It's beautiful, amazing, funny, and lovable. There are many scenes similar to this one that are enjoyable for reasons I cannot comprehend. After seeing it once I have had melodies and images stuck in my head for months. This is the kind of art I can get used to in a film...&#^K that Citizen Kane sh!t.

Waking AL Devine

So I had this dream, and everyone that despises my presence (more specifically family and close friends of a certain ex-companion) was at a particular bar. I used to frequent this bar regularly but in the dream, much as in real life, the bar looked nothing like it did when I was familiar with it. I sank into my seat and tried to hide. That's when they started a conversation about how..."Ya know what, I actually miss you guy," and things of that nature. I felt really good.

They were "having a good time at my expense." They laughed at me and kicked me out of the bar, prompting me to argue with the lead female character. She got a big kick out of the whole ordeal and was generally emotionless. I made it to the parking lot before I woke up.

All I know is it feels like I might make a little progress but my dreams redirect me towards the same ol' same. I no longer can tell a weak moment from true despair, or a good moment from temporary excitement/insanity. Although sitting right here I did have a Tiffany (I don't know why, but months ago I decided to always refer to an epiphany as "a Tiffany"). Most likely a long, long, time overdue...at least it came. My Tiffany was simply said in my head as "Wow. I'm going to be doing this for a long, long time. I'm going to be alone for a long, long time," yet I completely understood, processed, analyzed, debated, and ultimately accepted it. I think I even experienced it a large portion of it.

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So for now I can't concentrate on anything. Also I have no ambition. No one is paying me any attention either, which I think is where I really start to push my limits.

I feel like any solace gained in staying true to myself and my "plans" is dwarfed by the pain and suffering of feeling so small and irrelevant. I think this is necessary though. I would change it in a split second, but I think that would be cowardly. How am I supposed to come out 5 times better than ever if I can't break out from rock bottom. I've only landed softly a few times, and been helped by the same person/cause that put me there, only to find myself at rock bottom again.

It's like the NES video game Platoon (based off the movie). The game has 4 stages. You are a soldier and you run and dodge bullets and hazardous objects by jumping and ducking. The game sucks, and after you beat the 4th stage (which takes no time at all) it just starts over at the first one again. The whole game sucks. The concept sucks. But because it doesn't end you keep on playing. You play and play expected something different everytime. Then finally you get the nerves and you kill the power switch.

So, yeah, another great video game to life analogy. Sorry.

In Between Haze

JOURNAL ENTRY #1

Looked at a a few places to live -- my cousins, an old high school mate, and a girl; two more places to go. Decision will be made based on how well the place accommodates Lulu and secondly myself. One place might come with a job at O'Charleys. New Bon Iver, Andrew Bird, and some other music notables. The soundtrack to this semester is rockingly depressive.

Kurt Warner and the Cardinals going to the Super Bowl is such a splendid story; complete with warm fuzzies. Nervous about my fifteen hours. Plan on hitting the gym up tomorrow. Mostly can't wait to get settled in to my new place, wherever it may be. Also can't wait to begin research papers and projects. Not drinking last night led to a sleepless night; finally drifting away around 6:15 am. Watched two movies...28 Days and In the Land of Women. Noticed that I didn't cry; most likely I'm emotionally cut off. Possible the movies weren't any good, but I think in months past, In the Land of Women would've required several tissues.

Would love to write about something interesting, but nothing is happening around me. If it is, I'm missing it. That's all.

January 14th - Spring Semester Starts Tomorrow

From Concept to Crap: A Day in the Life of...

Never has a month lasted so long yet ended so abruptly. For a moment life was chaotic, frenzied, and fun. Alcohol, cigarettes, and first impressions; work, as it previously did, served as my audience, psychiatrist, entertainment, drama, and least of all...job.

But as for the nagging questions in the back of my mind...that unknown issue engulfing me like the shadow of a skyscraper, something needs to be said. I just sent this to a friend on Instant messenger...

"Fool me once shame on me, fool me twice shame on you. She fooled me for like the twentieth time...God Dammit, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME! SHAME ON ME!"

Who are you to say it will work out the way it is supposed to? "The way it's supposed to" is the scared way of saying I don't really give a shit what happens between us. This is not blogworthy...and I don't even have a blog criteria! But I refuse to scatter these thoughts to be recorded. I will add one last and final point!

Girls, while they all resemble Satan, can appear heavenly, and are often mistaken as the solution to life's problems. Do not walk blindly into a "relationship" with one...they will tear you apart from the inside out, and leave you with a lasting fear of the term "single." In my particular case, I have cliched the cliche...

I simply cannot live with you and I cannot live without you.

I'll leave the night with this beautiful piece of art I'm am about to create and post...