untired, nonsleepy, lying wide awake dreaming of sleep

i filled my body with too much energy today --two energy drinks, a five hour energy, and a venti white chocolate mocha -- so as to be able to spend ample time on my paper due at 6 p.m. tomorrow. i guess it's amazing how a deadline and the inability to carry out said task for deadline can lure over your head like a small black storm cloud. instead of trying to write a descent paper the goal becomes to get that stupid cloud to go away. then instead of accomplishing the original goal you settle for something far less meaningful. yet because the rain goes away a great sense of accomplishment comes forth and stress becomes excitement. unfortunately i am looking at inclement weather conditions for another month or so until finals are done. and even then, the forecast is looking grim. i refuse to spend any effort on complex punctuation after burrying my head in a giant paper conforming to APA style this feels like the most rebellious thing i have done since...nevermind better left unsaid.

hey for all the fans out there i'd just like to say...never fret over this lapse in punctuation. I'll be badck to normal in no time at all. fear not my faithful followers...alliteration distracted me from anything i was going to say. what do they call these three periods...not hockey...i'm talking about these... ... ... ... whatever their official name is they should take the place of any commas or colons or semi colons...when in doubt use three periods. you have a run on...use three periods.

anyways...i'd like to make a recomendation wait for some reason my browser is not auto spell checking...interesting...so my recomendation...yes...enjoy the comedy of bill hicks. do not enjoy the comedy of dane cook.

later children

Between a Story and You

I found a receipt inside an old textbook. Nearly three years ago, I purchased, at around 9 am, a CFA Chicken Biscuit and a Coke. The first thought that came to my mind was, "Oh hey I wonder if I was happier then? Wonder if me and J$@t@(!)r were together?" I guess its more or less one question. Then I began to have the common "I should call her right now" thoughts, immediately followed by intense emotional vulnerability -- all quickly erased by my learned auto-anti-depressing thought remover. Upon the blank moment of silence in my thoughts, a new question came echoing in, "What else was I doing around that time?"

I've often noticed that upon reminiscing about my five years of undergrad at Memphis, I almost always come up with the same handful of memories. Outside of that, I've got nothing. No knowledge of much of my classes and teachers. I'm not certain if they escape me, or if they were just never there to begin with.

But I know things weren't "better" then. And I was never with a girl named J$@t@(!)r once in my life. There was an apparition, a moment in which I shifted my focus away from nothing -- and transfixed it on something a little less meaningful. For that I am extremely sorry to myself. I owe it to myself to make some changes. How to catch up for lost time? How much progress was lost?

As I sit now, living in Smyrna, Tennessee...alone...

...using other people's creativity to express myself...

...this is not the way it was ever supposed to be...

...what was there supposed to be...

All the cliches are true about happiness. It sits faintly in the distance, shimmering with all its might, barely visible, like a star over a downtown.

I think my star may have burned its last gas.

But maybe that's okay. Cause then I'll get a giant burst of exhilarating rays of happiness.

...I don't believe that...

...I believe that I am happy. My tears are proof of it...




...I don't believe that either...

Big 80's Volume One

So, I spent like five or six years working for Party City. Often there stocking Amscan solid color plates and napkins, or standing puzzled searching for the right bin for the two-tone bouncy ball (not to be confused with the standard, eyeball, jumbo, or glitter bouncy balls) I would be accompanied by the sweet sounds of the recently bankrupt Muzak.



I started working there at 16, and quite the time it was! Sometimes I would sneak back to the Muzak machine and switch the station from generic crap (Sugar Ray!)to Modern Rock Alternative. Sometimes it would stay for days until the right manager came in and noticed. Eventually it would become a big enough of a problem to warrant a sticky note over the screen that said "Don't Touch." I played it cool for awhile, but eventually they made my friend Karl the Canadian manager and we messed with it all the time...again...these were the days.



So once I worked my way up to management you could only imagine I would never comply with the lame Muzak requirements. I always promised myself that, I would do the best job I could do, but I wouldn't compromise on the music. But there were too many "customer complaints." Whatever. With the building of the new store in Cordova, we inherited a new station; the 80's station. This great station introduced me to a lot of the music I was too young to remember (Rock Lobster anyone?). Of all the songs that came on...most were crap and very annoying. And the crafty Music Engineers, that is the title of the people assigned to each station (I looked it up), only seem to have a limited library -- meaning the same songs on the same days of the week at the same times of day, or so it seemed to me. After a year or so some songs I was confident I had never heard anywhere else other than Party City began sticking out in my head.



I would be at the "Inflation Station" filling an order for a customer when that certain song that I really enjoyed would come on. So I'd stop, rush to the back before it ended and catch the name of the song and the singer on the display screen. Then I kept a log of them. Then with the help of the internet and "illegal" downloads I put together a compilation of those songs. The whole thing took about two years because in the even my song came on, often I was too late to get to the screen and get the name. The last song I got was Bruce Springsteen's "I'm on Fire." I never could get the name of the song or the singer. The song was so soft I couldn't make out the words being sung, but I would google whatever lyrics I could make out...something about a train? I was way off I believe. But hell, I eventually found out it was Bruce Springsteen somehow, I must have asked like twenty people.



Anyways, so I finished Big 80's Volume One like in 2005 or 2006. I remember how much I anticipated putting the cd into my car stereo and driving around with my new soundtrack. How would the songs sound not coming out of crappy retail ceiling speakers. If I liked the songs when I could barely hear them, how much will I like them now?



Or...would they all suck on their own? Maybe the songs were only good because they came as some relief into the pounding mix of garbage 80's crap that was on the player?



I'm still not sure about the answer. I'd say its safe to say I've made an eclectic mix that only I can really appreciate, after all, each of these songs has a story along with it. Some are popular, some I had never heard of, some are in movies, some are in video games, some are hilarious, some are emotional. The one thing they all have in common (to me) is the fact that they are still good to listen to. Their nostalgia hasn't worn off and they haven't been overplayed...yet (The The's this is the day just landed on an M&M commercial last year, The Promise is in the closing scene of Napoleon Dynamite, and Mad World is in Donnie Darko, although that might be just the remake).



Big 80's Volume One - presented in its original form

I can't seem to get the html code exact, the scrollbar on the side won't appear so you have to skip track by track.

Neglecting School...

Been a little busy lately...and since I've got no cable in my room yet, I've been re-watching Rescue Me. So many great scenes, the best one isn't anywhere on the internet, but this one here is a great analogy.

Delicatessen

You must see this movie. It's beautiful, amazing, funny, and lovable. There are many scenes similar to this one that are enjoyable for reasons I cannot comprehend. After seeing it once I have had melodies and images stuck in my head for months. This is the kind of art I can get used to in a film...&#^K that Citizen Kane sh!t.

Waking AL Devine

So I had this dream, and everyone that despises my presence (more specifically family and close friends of a certain ex-companion) was at a particular bar. I used to frequent this bar regularly but in the dream, much as in real life, the bar looked nothing like it did when I was familiar with it. I sank into my seat and tried to hide. That's when they started a conversation about how..."Ya know what, I actually miss you guy," and things of that nature. I felt really good.

They were "having a good time at my expense." They laughed at me and kicked me out of the bar, prompting me to argue with the lead female character. She got a big kick out of the whole ordeal and was generally emotionless. I made it to the parking lot before I woke up.

All I know is it feels like I might make a little progress but my dreams redirect me towards the same ol' same. I no longer can tell a weak moment from true despair, or a good moment from temporary excitement/insanity. Although sitting right here I did have a Tiffany (I don't know why, but months ago I decided to always refer to an epiphany as "a Tiffany"). Most likely a long, long, time overdue...at least it came. My Tiffany was simply said in my head as "Wow. I'm going to be doing this for a long, long time. I'm going to be alone for a long, long time," yet I completely understood, processed, analyzed, debated, and ultimately accepted it. I think I even experienced it a large portion of it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So for now I can't concentrate on anything. Also I have no ambition. No one is paying me any attention either, which I think is where I really start to push my limits.

I feel like any solace gained in staying true to myself and my "plans" is dwarfed by the pain and suffering of feeling so small and irrelevant. I think this is necessary though. I would change it in a split second, but I think that would be cowardly. How am I supposed to come out 5 times better than ever if I can't break out from rock bottom. I've only landed softly a few times, and been helped by the same person/cause that put me there, only to find myself at rock bottom again.

It's like the NES video game Platoon (based off the movie). The game has 4 stages. You are a soldier and you run and dodge bullets and hazardous objects by jumping and ducking. The game sucks, and after you beat the 4th stage (which takes no time at all) it just starts over at the first one again. The whole game sucks. The concept sucks. But because it doesn't end you keep on playing. You play and play expected something different everytime. Then finally you get the nerves and you kill the power switch.

So, yeah, another great video game to life analogy. Sorry.

In Between Haze

JOURNAL ENTRY #1

Looked at a a few places to live -- my cousins, an old high school mate, and a girl; two more places to go. Decision will be made based on how well the place accommodates Lulu and secondly myself. One place might come with a job at O'Charleys. New Bon Iver, Andrew Bird, and some other music notables. The soundtrack to this semester is rockingly depressive.

Kurt Warner and the Cardinals going to the Super Bowl is such a splendid story; complete with warm fuzzies. Nervous about my fifteen hours. Plan on hitting the gym up tomorrow. Mostly can't wait to get settled in to my new place, wherever it may be. Also can't wait to begin research papers and projects. Not drinking last night led to a sleepless night; finally drifting away around 6:15 am. Watched two movies...28 Days and In the Land of Women. Noticed that I didn't cry; most likely I'm emotionally cut off. Possible the movies weren't any good, but I think in months past, In the Land of Women would've required several tissues.

Would love to write about something interesting, but nothing is happening around me. If it is, I'm missing it. That's all.

January 14th - Spring Semester Starts Tomorrow

From Concept to Crap: A Day in the Life of...

Never has a month lasted so long yet ended so abruptly. For a moment life was chaotic, frenzied, and fun. Alcohol, cigarettes, and first impressions; work, as it previously did, served as my audience, psychiatrist, entertainment, drama, and least of all...job.

But as for the nagging questions in the back of my mind...that unknown issue engulfing me like the shadow of a skyscraper, something needs to be said. I just sent this to a friend on Instant messenger...

"Fool me once shame on me, fool me twice shame on you. She fooled me for like the twentieth time...God Dammit, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME! SHAME ON ME!"

Who are you to say it will work out the way it is supposed to? "The way it's supposed to" is the scared way of saying I don't really give a shit what happens between us. This is not blogworthy...and I don't even have a blog criteria! But I refuse to scatter these thoughts to be recorded. I will add one last and final point!

Girls, while they all resemble Satan, can appear heavenly, and are often mistaken as the solution to life's problems. Do not walk blindly into a "relationship" with one...they will tear you apart from the inside out, and leave you with a lasting fear of the term "single." In my particular case, I have cliched the cliche...

I simply cannot live with you and I cannot live without you.

I'll leave the night with this beautiful piece of art I'm am about to create and post...